Seeking as for Silver

Be Yourself

2011-03-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

If your circle of friends is at all like mine, you have probably noticed that a lot of people are getting married these days. So, as my roommate (and maid-of-honor) brainstormed about what kind of website to create for a competition, we landed pretty quickly on the idea of selling bridal products online. Though we loved this idea, we found that the competition is vast and fierce for this industry. Our solution came when we found a whole seller through whom we could sell personalized gifts and decor. No bride is going to be able to walk into any department store and find flip flops personalized with her bridesmaid's names or an aisle runner with her special date written on it. Our products are unique and allow each bride to be herself--hence the birth of our name: Beyourselfbride.com We've found our niche and absolutely love the products we're selling.
It's certainly been a fun learning process creating this website and I would love for you to check it out!
Check out our great selection of personalized gifts and decor! And let me know what you think!

A Clearer Focus

2010-11-29T22:49:00.000-08:00

LAtimes.com offers its readers breaking news on a variety of topics from Local News to Sports and Entertainment. Headlines today in the Business section? How to avoid losing money during Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Entertainment? “Winter’s Bone” receives the top prize in Gotham Film Awards. In the Living section, readers can post pictures and compete for who has reached the most impressive travel destination in 2010. And this is only a taste. Our culture has focused in on one objective: being the best. Having the most money. Winning the most prestigious awards. Even being recognized as the most well-traveled LA Times reader.

Even the virtues we teach our kids is saturated with this message: You can do anything you set your mind to; Nothing is impossible; Reach for the stars; You are a winner, never forget that. These messages may seem harmless and even necessary to building a self-confident young American. I believe they are necessary for that goal. But is that—a self-confident American—really what I want to be?

I’m wrapping up my semester of focusing on 1 Peter and have to recite it for my final project in just a few days. The temptation is to memorize it well, get every word perfect, so that I can say that I did it. I memorized an entire book of the Bible. What a great achievement!—Or, is it? The very words I’m memorizing challenge this inclination. In Peter's final words, the last several sentences that I’m still struggling to get down, Peter gives specific instructions to the elders, then to the younger Christians and, finally, to all the believers. “Clothe yourselves, all of you,” Peter exhorts, “with humility towards one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Peter 5:5). With this understanding of God’s stance towards the proud versus the humble, Peter continues with another imperative: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that at the proper time he may exalt you” (1 Peter 5:6). That he may exalt me. Those are attractive, easy words for an American like myself. But I can’t forget (I literally cannot forget) the beginning of that verse. Humble myself? Try to find that on your newspaper’s website: Staying Humble while you Await Future Exaltation. But that’s exactly the point: God’s ways are not the world’s ways. This difference is a theme in 1 Peter and it is emphasized countless times throughout the Bible.

As I finish off the semester and prepare for my final few months as a student, this verse needs to stick with me. I'm living in the world and I am constantly under pressure to present myself as: the top student who has earned the “A”, the most hardworking student employee who deserves a raise, the most qualified individual for that high-paying dream job. How am I supposed to “humble myself” as I construct my last essays, work my last hours, and carefully craft my resume and cover letters that are all supposed to reflect a high and exalted “me”?

It has to be a constant, daily surrender. It has to be a heart-realization of my identity. Not as perfect student, best worker, or most employable college graduate, but as part of “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own possession.” My purpose, then? Not to be the best and reach the top, but to “proclaim the excellencies of him who called [me] out of darkness and into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).

God has me in this stage of life where, yes, I do have to try to present myself well and reach some high goals. But that doesn’t change my identity and consequential purpose; rather, it gives me all the more opportunity to move into that purpose. Through school, through work, and definitely through my future career, God can (and will) use me to proclaim his excellencies—to make Him known to a world that is out of focus.

Out of the Swamp

2010-11-08T23:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about—my hair. I really need to get it cut. And maybe I should start curling certain those annoying parts that don’t curl naturally. I want to look professional for my job. And around campus because I am constantly passing potential employers, so nice hair is important. And so are nice clothes. And necklaces. I have some of those, but I wear them a lot. Maybe I should get some new ones, or is that a waste of money? Clothes are much more important. And I’m sure Blake would like to see me in some nice new clothes. He’d probably also like it if my hair looked better…

Welcome to my brain. I could go on, but I'll spare you.

Sadly, unless I am actively reigning in my thoughts, this is the materialistic, trivial swamp I often let myself fall into. God has convicted me about my over focus on my external appearance many times, but it wasn’t until my study through 1 Peter that the specifics of my problem really made sense to me.

In his letter to the dispersed church, Paul exhorts women specifically. He writes:

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the wearing of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 Peter 3:3

At least I can be affirmed of one thing from this: as a woman, I’m not alone in my preoccupation with how I look. It appears that, for centuries, women have been spending so much time adorning their outer shell, that the actual person is often neglected. We have to be told to remember we are more than our shells.

I recently heard a saying: “Your inner beauty never needs makeup.” While this is very true, I think it gives off the impression that inner beauty is easier to maintain than our appearances. What a lie that is! It would be much less painful for me to spend a weekend shopping and getting a haircut than it would be to cultivate a “gentle and quiet spirit” from my stubborn and defensive one. Thankfully, God has grace and He will help me.

As I think about preparing for my upcoming marriage, I couldn’t be more thankful for this passage. Peter continues his message to women when he encourages them to imitate the “holy women who hoped in God” in the Old Testament. He gives the example of Sarah through whom we receive the simple, yet extraordinarily difficult, exhortation to submit to our husbands. Submission is an extremely beautiful thing in God’s eyes that takes no small amount of “adorning” to achieve. Yet, the slew of wedding magazines, websites, and even input from friends is screaming the message that the wedding, the onset of my marriage, has to be beautiful—on the outside. Let’s perfect my dress, my hair, my make-up; the flowers, the linens, the lighting. While I the want the appearance of my wedding to reflect the underlying beauty of this covenant relationship, appearance should not be the focus. Yet, unless I can reign in those thoughts [how long do I want my hair to be for the wedding? I don't have a necklace nice enough for the big day...] outer appearance will become my focus.

And so I pray for grace and for help from the Holy Spirit to climb out of the swamp of pointless thoughts and adorn myself with a quiet and gentle spirit.

Come (what) May

2010-10-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

I am finally a good way into my senior year and there are 2 predominant questions asked of me at every family gathering, every social event, every church fellowship:

1. “What’s your major, again?”

2. “Oh, ok…So, what’s next?”

Well-meaning questions, I’m sure, and even questions that I have naively heaped upon seniors who endured this path before me. While the inquirers mean well, however, their questions translate to me as:

1.“Who are you, again?”

2.“Oh, ok… so how will you make yourself useful to the rest of us?”

Have I have spent nearly 4 years at this place called “university” only to become a proud owner of an English degree? No, I'm also expected to do something about it. A degree is a badge of identity that implies that consequential action is going to sprout out of it.

Come May 2011, I will be a college graduate. So, what will I do about it? This question plagues me—until I remember that, though that will be part of my identity after I leave college, it will never be the central component of who I am. I am God’s daughter and my actions should always sprout from that identity first and foremost.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in 1 Peter this semester and have been consistently encouraged by this point. Peter is writing to Christians who are being killed for speaking up about God’s transforming power. Peter reminds them of their identity in Christ and encourages them to continue in their proclamations:

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a people for his own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).

Peter understands that, while it is important for Christians to understand their identity, you can’t just stop there. God did not transform us so that we can just sit around and admire our makeovers. He changed us so that we might proclaim His good works—tell the world about the One who “called us out of darkness and into his marvelous light”! It’s a seal of identity that should naturally sprout proclamations that make Him known.

Come May 2011, I will be a college graduate. But, more than that, I will still be a part of God’s beloved people. I may not know what day-to-day work will sprout out of my English degree, but I do know that proclamations of my God’s excellencies will continue to flow from my identity in Him.

The Marvels of Maui

2010-08-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

My last post laid out the beauty of a city that reflects the creativity and influence that God has given to mankind. Vacation #2: the "magical" island of Maui. As we decended on the Hawaii, the sun was beginning to set and our captain took the scenic route around a few of the islands before landing. We had the privelage of getting an areil view of the bright green islands scattered delicately upon the the glassy blue Pacific. A soft bank of clouds hugged the shoreline soaked in soft pastels from the setting sun.

That was just the start, slide one, of the masterpieces that God had in store for us. The next morning, thanks to the time change, we all woke up before the sun and we watched the island come to life as the sun awoke to warm the beaches.

Maui sunrise

We spent a lot of time snorkling--exploring the world that God has created that man hardly ever gets to see. The thing that stuck out most to me? Color! The Hawaiin ocean is filled with fish and coral of so many different colors. The most memorable snorkling event, I must say, was swimming in a cove with four huge sea turtles. We got so close that Blake actually got to touch one! Seeing this environment that is so different from our own reminded me of how big and creative God is. And how little I understand of how big and creative he really is.

My favorite part of the trip was probably at the end of the Road to Hana. Rather than looking at the Seven Sacred Pools, like most of the other tourists were doing, we decided to take the hike up to Waimoku Falls. The hike took us to gorgeous views of lush valleys and streams and through the depths of a bamboo forest. The bamboo was my favorite part of the hike. The stalks were so high that we were shaded from the harsh sun and were tempted to think night was approaching. When the island breeze rushed by, the bamboo clanked together to compose a soft, almost ominous serenade.

We emerged from the forest and found ourselves at the bottom of a 400 ft waterfall. It's size was enough to take your breath away. And yet, the cascade appeared soft and peaceful.

Waimoku Falls

This trip was a wonderful reminder of the kindness of our Creator. He creates animals, waterfalls, flowers--moments--that delight both himself and his children. My best friend just travelled throughout all of Europe on a 10 week study abroad trip this summer. She told me about a conversation she had with a friend she made there. They were in London, a place they had both visited before, and she recognized that she was much less enthusiastic about the sites the second time around. She contrasted that experience to visiting places like Yosemite. She recognized that places of natural beauty never get old; there will always be new flowers blooming, new animals to discover, and a waterfall will always be a reminder of God's beauty and power.

I'll let the rest of the pictures speak for themselves.

Hike to snorkel destination

Fallen flowers

Blow hole

Last night- dinner in Lahaina.
Cant wait for our Honeymoon to Hawaii in June!

Beaufiul Bricks and Beaches

2010-08-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

My summer consisted of two very different vacations: one to the heart of Boston, rich in history and architecture, and the other to the natural paradise of Maui.

Boston was amazing. I had never been to a large city before and the sky scrapers, old brick buildings, and sparkling night skyline were breathtaking. I think one of the neatest parts about this city in particular is the beautiful intertwining of the old and the new. the historical and the modern. life then--when the country was fighting for its beginning--and life now. Now, when a day care worker changes a diaper in a window overlooking the tombstones of Franklin, Revere, and the victims of the Boston Massacre. A lot happens in a couple of decades and I couldn't help but wonder if the members of the Continental Congress would have ever imagined that, 200 years later, Boston's city hall would be littered (I mean--decorated) with signs rooting on the city's Irish-themed basketball team.

In short, Boston offered a lot of food for thought about humankind: our progress, our digressions and distractions, our past, and our future. I rejoiced over the creativity that God has given man. That we can reflect his heart for creating in something as simple as a delicious Boston creme pie to something as innovative and beautiful as Old Ironside. God's design for this world is so much bigger than my four-year plans. Getting even a small glimpse of history, seeing it in front of me, was a great reminder of that.

Reflections on the natural beauty of Maui to come...

A Very Necessary Prayer

2010-07-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

"May God truly convert all that have been convicted, and awaken all that are dead in tresspasse and sins! May he confirm all that are wavering! And may you all go on from one degree of grace unto another, till you arrive unto themeasure of stature of the fullness of Christ."

George Whitefield

First thoughts on Austen's Sense and Sensibility

2010-06-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

First book of the summer: Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen.

So far, I've loved getting acquainted with the characters: their virtues, their vices, their idiosyncrasies, and their motivations. I just finished Chapter 5 and the verdict so far is that Marianne is my favorite character. The first real introduction we get of her is when she complains to her mother about her older sister's courtier, Edward. She asserts that, although Edward has virtue and amiability, he lacks the passion and the "taste" essential for any young man she would ever consider. She claims that she could "not be happy with a man whose taste did not in every point coincide with [her] own." Okay, so maybe Marianne is a little too picky and hopefully her seventeen year old self will mature a little bit, but I cannot help but love her passion and her spirit. She will not settle for a blahsay reading of passionate poetry or a simply 'sensible' take on life. I think what draws me to Marianne so much is that she's so different from me. I definitely resemble the eldest daughter, Elinor: always looking for the most sensible, frugal, and prudent answer. But is Elinor (am I) missing the lively passion of Marianne?

God has given us passions (emotions) that reflect him and are to be geared towards him. And he has given us creative capacity to be able to express those emotions. Through music, dance, literature, and poetry.

So..I love that Marianne thinks in such poetic language! Below is the passage that made me love her and inspired this blog:

Many were the tears shed by them in their last ... adieus to a place so much beloved. "Dear, dear Norland!" said Marianne, as she wandered alone before the house, on the last evening of their being there; "when shall I cease to regret you? -- when learn to feel a home elsewhere? -- Oh happy house! could you know what I suffer in now viewing you from this spot, from whence perhaps I may view you no more! -- And you, ye well-known trees! -- but you will continue the same. -- No leaf will decay because we are removed, nor any branch become motionless although we can observe you no longer! -- No; you will continue the same; unconscious of the pleasure or the regret you occasion, and insensible of any change in those who walk under your shade! -- But who will remain to enjoy you?" (5.8)

I know absolutely nothing about this book going in, so forgive me if my first impression of Marianne is completly foolish, but--for now at least--I love her passion and her less-than-sensible take on life.

Hello Summer!

2010-05-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

First night back at home. All moved out of beloved Li apartments (oh, how I will miss it there!) Not completely unpacked, but at least everything's out of the cars!

My brain is totally fried from a crazy week, but I just thought I'd let the world know that I plan on blogging more now that it's summer. Some of my other plans for the summer?

Helping Blake find a new job! (he has a skills test for a Biola job on Wed, so you can be praying for that!)
Interning with San Clemente Pregnancy Resource Center
Reading Jane Austen
Learning some basic "wife"/independence skills
Planning the wedding (which will be next June!)

That's all for now... :-)

Some Thoughts on Revision

2010-05-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I finished revising my big term paper for Torrery. On this weekend's to-do list: revise 10 of the 12 poems I turned in for my poetry class this semester.

"I like to think of revision as a form of self-forgiveness: you can allow yourself mistakes and shortcomings in your [first draft] because you know you're coming back later to improve it. Reivision is he way you cope with bad luck [or bad habits] that made your writing less than excellent this morning. Revision is the hope you hold out for yourself to make something beautiful tomorrow though you didn't quite manage it today."

David Huddle, "Let's Say you Wrote Badly this Morning"

But revision is difficult. While I appreciate the opportunity to fix my mistakes, there's those moments when it's bad. and I know it's bad. and I don't know how to fix it.

Then there's other moments when I really like the original work I did, but the assignment is to make "significant revisions" and, if I don't, my grade goes down. That, I have found, is where humility and Eliot's perspective below becomes essential:

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from. And every phrase

And sentence that is right (where every word is at home,

Taking its place to support the others...

The complete consort dancing together)

Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning...

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

T.S. Eliot

(excerpted from "Little Gidding")

Four poems revised and six to go. God, give me motivation and creativity to help every word find their home--"taking its place to support the others...the complete consort dancing together." It really is beautiful.

2010-04-27T15:44:00.001-07:00

Tired. Long day, but not really. Just tired and unmotivated but stressed at the same time. You ever have those days? Procrastinating on a Torrey blog post, gazed at my roommates bookshelf and found Surrender to Love by David Benner. We read it for a floor Bible study last year. Flipped to a page and found underlining and the word "good!" in the margin. Thought I'd share:

"Guilt only complicates surrender, leading to more thrashing about.Whenever I discover that I have slipped out of surrender an back into my treading-water mode, I need to simply relax and allow the river of love to again support me. Time wasted on slapping my wrist and wringing my hands is time when I could be floating."

Stop trying to swim. Stop trying to constantly earn love, acheive tasks, gain praise. Relax. Rest. Trust in the current of His love. Float.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30

Broken Creation

2010-04-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

Out of brokenness,

Cracked concrete now a canvas—

A new bud blooms.

But even spring bring harsh rains—

New buds are the first to break.

2010-04-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

For when I feel inadequate and enslaved to sinful thoughts and emotions:

"Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life nd is corrupt through deceitful desires and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Eph 4:22-24

Eyjafjallajokull's Sigh

2010-04-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

When the earth sighs it cannot help but breathe out the remnants of the poweful fire inside.

Caught

under the canopy of ash.

small men

sigh and

our breath

flutters only papers.

Stranded.

Reprimanded:

Grounded. For now, at least, as we remember. death. and the weakness of our breath.

A Long Day's Reflection

2009-09-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

Today I got to get my feet wet in every area that I'm involved here at school.

It's so weird to think that a day with no classes could be so full of so many different things--this place is truly much more than academics!

I spent some of the earlier part of my day at the Go Fish Evangelism table at the Ministry Fair. I got to explain to people what we're about and what our mission statement is. Not only was it great to meet so many people who are interested in evangelism, it was also fun to remineice about what God has done in the past semesters and look forward to what He will do this semester.

After a quick lunch, I hurried off to my new job in the Torrey Office as Administrative and Events Assistant. I've really come to enjoy this job because it helps me to experience the more "Metzger" side of Biola and how it's run. And, for as much bad mouthing as administration often gets, it's actually set up and run pretty ingeniously. It's been great to be a part of that. Moreso, though, I have enjoyed just being in the Torrey office. Today I got to listen to Michael Fatagati and Dr. Spears discuss whether the manual labor involved in replacing the water cooler jug was "demeaning" or "invigorating" and concluding that there should be a pull up bar installed in the office...except that Dr. Spears is afraid that Nicky would outdo him. Also, in ordering their lunches for the next few faculty meetings, I learned that Dr. Reynolds prefers the caesar salad and Dr. Campbell the california club. I'm also getting everything planned out for October's Convocation ceremony which I cannot wait to see in full fruition! I love everything I'm learning--not just the food preferences of the faculty, but how to manage funds, plan events, and communicate with peers and superiors.

After work at the Torrey office, I went straight to Dr. Malandra's office to interview our first prospective Writing Center consultant. This interview was followed by three others back to back (which was unplanned and forced me to cancel my dinner plans). Though the interviews went smoothly, I'm definately learning about the stress of being in a leadership, but still group leadership, position--especially during rocky times (like the Writing Center being moved to a new building and furniture being ordered late, etc). Aww the joys of miscommunication! There is much to be learned in this area this semester.

After just enough time to eat dinner and finish reading students' sample writing, I headed off to the weekly Point (Biola's student magazine) meeting to fulfill my duties as an assistant copy editor. This meeting was especially exciting because we finally decided on our stories and assigned writers and editors to them. I'm going to be the editor for the fashion piece, a story about athletes' unexpected interests, and the recipe section. They're definately not the center stories, and I don't know the writers yet, but I'm just super excited to be part of the team. This magazine has put out amazing work in the past and I feel privelaged to be a part of the endless possibilites that are waiting to unfold this semester.

The school side of Biola did kick in once I got home around 10 to begin my Playwriting homework. The assignment was to give myself exactly one hour to write a short play about something that the prof had in a sealed envelope. I was a little unsure about how it would turn out, but, an hour later, I had a single scene play that, though relatively shallow, is actually pretty fun.

So there you have it: a day with a little taste of everything that Biola is offering me this semester. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I'm also preparing to lead my Torrey group in our Edward's session on Thursday. And, despite all the work and nerve racking that goes into it, I'm choosing to beleive the tutors that this is an excellent way to get experience facilitating discussion, teaching, leading a meeting, etc.

College certainly presents us with academic challenges and late nights and, of course, a big price tag. But, looking back at today, I am amazed at all the opportunities this place has to offer both for growth and action now, and to prepare me for after I graduate. This semester is going to be insane, and I'm not sure I can handle too many more days like today, but, all things considered, I can go to bed (after some more homework) extremely thankful to God for placing me here.

Summer's Possibilities

2009-05-27T11:58:00.001-07:00

ooh the possibilities of empty summer days. Of hours in an empty house before the busyness and responsibilities set in. I have a stack of books I want to read on one side of my room, and a stack of unpacked boxes on the other. In the middle is my bed--and I'm still pretty tired from that hard semester. Downstairs is the computer full of facts and updates from already-missed friends and outside is a beautiful trail waiting for my feet to begin their daily trek. A dangerous array of good food inhabits the kitchen and a TV with a full DVR list awaits to be discovered. The Wii is lonely, it hasn't been touched since January, but I have yet to enjoy that new recliner chair in my living room. Paychecks need to be deposited but the beach needs to be enjoyed. Graduation presents to buy, coffee dates with friends to be scheduled. Sleep, read, veg, run, be productive--be still. To quote my wise friend, Lizzie, "Decisions, Decisions..."

I'm excited, but a little overwhelmed, by the possibilities this summer day holds. oh no! it's already past noon!

2009-05-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

God speaks about His servant the Psalms:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knos my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life aI will satisfy him
and show him My salvation."

Psalms 91:14-16

I rejoice in this Divine Romance

Writing for Chained Hands

2009-04-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my school hosted a week focused on social justice and human trafficking. Each day, special chapels and events were held to raise awareness and compassion for modern day slavery. The week commenced with an ex-prostitute who now ministers to prostitutes on skid row. I had no idea that prostitution was still so rampant in Los Angeles and I was in shock at the brokenness and violence that takes place less than thirty miles away from our campus.

As I wandered in the midst of the crowd exiting the gym, my mind was flooded with questions. But something stopped my thoughts instantly. Along the walkway outside the science building, my fellow students were chained to each other with masking tape covering their mouths. From their captive wrists hung cardboard signs that bore sobering statistics such as, “Over 2 million people are enslaved today” and pointed out the reality that people just like us are “For sale: $70” even within the U.S. These two realities—prostitution and modern day slavery—overwhelmed me.

I found a quiet place to sit and pray and cry. After nearly an hour, I made a resolve. The painful reality didn’t go away and I still had a lot of questions, but I decided to use my God-given talents any way I could to help people out of chains—whether that be the chains of prostitution or the literal chains of slavery. I have decided to write the pleas of those whose hands are chained and to be the voice of those whose lips that are taped shut.

Beleive it or not, our world--our country--desperately needs a modern abolitionist movement. Please join me in doing everything you can...because God's children were never mean to be bought and sold or to be in chains.
Find out what you can do: http://www.stopthetraffik.org/

World's Best Writing Lessons

2009-04-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

Essay I wrote for a scholarship application...

The best preparation for my career as a writer has come from encounters with people who barely know the English language. Tutoring Korean graduate students has taught me that writing is about more than creating grammatically correct sentences neatly formatted on a page—it’s about taking a unique snapshot into an unexplored corner of life and waking people up with words. As I prepare to fulfill my goal as magazine writer, I have found that the best training has not taken place in my writing classes, but in a small cubical discovering the stories that communicate life.
As an undergraduate consultant at Biola’s Writing Center, my job is usually pretty straightforward. I help my peers organize and improve their papers and tutor them regarding basic writing skills. However, when the graduate consultants get overbooked, it is my job to help the English Second Language graduate students who come in. I began my first appointment with a Korean ESL student, Sun Hi, begrudgingly as I realized I would lose some of my normal on-the-job homework time. When I noticed that my student was as old as most of my professors, I became uneasy about being in a position of authority. However, as I glanced down at the page of broken sentences she laid before me, I realized that I had a lot to teach her and I presumptuously regained my confidence. I read the paper out loud to her, stopping after each sentence to ask her to explain what she was trying to say. After several minutes of mentally sifting through her scattered explanation, I painfully tried to reconstruct something coherent. As much as I shudder to admit it now, I started to believe that this woman was truly unintelligent because she could not put together a single clear English sentence. As we progressed into the body of the essay, I realized I needed to figure out the main message she was trying to get across so we could work on organization. I started to pay closer attention. After reading two sentences with my grammar-cop mentality put to the side, my heart broke. Sun Hi’s essay explained her painful education experience growing up in Korea and her appreciation for America’s school system. Although masked by the lack of articles and jumbled nouns and adjectives, each sentence was vibrant with life. Her message was not only relevant to her teaching course, but it made any careful reader thankful for the freedom to learn. My attitude shifted instantly when I realized that I needed to learn from her. Sun Hi may have needed a little bit of help communicating in the English language, but I needed to learn how to communicate life.
With this new mindset, I became eager to make her message shine more clearly through her writing. We worked together to clarify the thoughts and emotions behind each phrase so that her life-changing message could be understood and cherished as it deserved. Now, each time I have the privilege to work with an ESL graduate student, I look forward to discovering their life and their culture and helping them find words to share their perspective with the English speaking world. For these students, writing is so much more than putting pretty sounding words on a page. They have a story to tell and a life to share and they are desperately seeking the tools that will allow them this privilege.
Even though I haven’t seen her since that first appointment, Sun Hi has become a hero and role model to me as I pursue my writing career. I want to communicate life and challenge readers in the same way she does. I no longer go to my writing classes to become writer, I go to gain the tools I need to write the stories that life puts in front of me.

Anxieties of Reality

2009-04-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

The beginning of this semester was a really hard time for me. The very first day of classes I started having panic attacks for no apparent reason. Everything felt heavy, scary, depressing. This is a reflection I wrote as I was coming out of that time and never got a chance to post.

“Have you realized that almost everything we’ve read for this class is really depressing?” my classmate asked with a grim look on her face. We were waiting for our American Literature class to begin in which we were to discuss a story about a Chinese immigrant couple who lost their baby to customs officials. Once the couple spent all of their money to reclaim their “Little One,” the child no longer recognized his mother’s Asian face but ran back into the folds of the white woman’s skirt. Another classmate casually paged through the syllabus wondering if brighter pages were in our future. This incident keeps echoing in my head. I pondered why we would be reading such depressing literature when I realized that we were in the midst of studying “realist” writers—authors who made it a point to describe life the way it really is from the eyes of the common man. That makes the reading even more depressing. The bleak emotions that are being portrayed on the page is a reflection of what the world is portraying to the authors.

Do we really live in that horrible of a world?

I’ve been feeling a sense of heaviness in life lately that has sometimes felt overwhelming. When I think about all the souls that are hurting around me, the tears that stain pale faces, and the heavy burdens that are loaded on countless shoulders—it all feels so overwhelming. But then I have to ask myself, why? What view of the world am I functioning in to allow these thoughts to exist and control me? It certainly could not be the worldview that God is in control of even the smallest sparrow and works all things for the good of those who love him and ultimately for His glory. I have been falling into the false belief that there are no mends for the tragic tears, no redemption from the chains of fears, and no relief for the heavy heart. I know that God is the ultimate Healer and that He redeems us from even the worst of fears and sins. But all too often I feel like the realization of all the pain and injustice in the world falls too heavy upon my frail soul. When this happens I literally feel like a rigid blanket of burdens is being pressed onto my head. My muscles tighten and my heart—racing—sinks, deep in my chest.

I ponder what it would be like to be having such realizations without knowing the Truth. I want to get into the head, but not too far, of those authors who made such sad conclusions about the world and probably never found good enough reason to refute them. What a dark life I have been saved from. What a glorious redeemer I cling onto. I cherish the fact that, though it’s a struggle, I can always fight the lies that invade my mind with the truth that God is in sovereign and loving control. I treasure the Truth that, on most days and in most instances, keeps me comforted in the midst of a broken world.

Words from our Savior: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” (Luke 12:22-32)

Lord, may these words be my anchor.

Comforts for the anxious:
Creation story: the whole cosmos was fashioned by God’s mighty and loving hand. This includes the human heart and mind.
Nothing can spin out of his control. Though his children suffer deeply, He is a loving Father who feels for them in their pains and wants them to run to Him for comfort.
Beauty- in flowers, in mountains, in humanity, in pain

Hymn of Comfort
This is my Father’s world and to my listening ears
All angels sing and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world, I rest me in the thought
Of rock, of trees, of skies and seas, his every wonder brought
This is my father’s world, and let me never forget
That though the wrong seems often so strong, God is the ruler yet.

Looking back: God used this time in so many ways. One that I am most grateful for is Him giving me a deeper compassion--specifically for the lost. In those times of anxiety, I truly felt hopeless until I remembered the hope I have in Christ. When I encounter those without that hope, it breaks my heart to think they are lost in that sea of anxiety with no anchor to cling to. I remember those feelings. He has also helped me to relate to fellow Christians who also deal with anxieties. Periods of Darkness are scary, but God will always be the light. Allow Him to use those times.

Searching for Sunglasses and Silver

2009-01-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

Good news! I found my new sunglasses!!! I was driving in the car with my mom on the way to Costco yesterday when the sun offensively bolt into my uncovered eyes. Having a bit of deja vu, I remembered a time when i was in the idnentical situation, but was then a proud owner of sunglasses and was able to releive myself by sporting those beautiful, dark frames. It all seemed so recent, but I had earlier convinced myself that that memory was from my thanksgiving visit home and the sunglasses were lost at school. In a half hearted effort, i began to reach my hand into the crevace that formed between the passenger seat and the door. Suddenly, before going down more than a few inches, my fingers felt the textured, oversized case that housed my lost treasure. In great joy mixed with unbelief, I removed my sunglasses from their case. They felt even better than they had when I first received them for my birthday just a month before. When we arrived at costco, I carefully replaced the glasses into their hard covered home, buried in my purse, and made sure i could feel the lump against my side as I walked. I had lost them once, and I wasn't about to do it again.
The joy that these found sunglasses brought me is somewhat shallow, that I'll definately admit. But there is just something about an item that was once lost and is now found. I had searched long and hard for them, described that silly oversized case to countless people, and reached my hands into far too many dusty crevaces. I had even planned out people to call and places to look later that day and it took another glance at the glasses to convince myself that I need not continue on my search. In this sense, my joy springs not from the possession of the glasses, but the completion of a long, hard search.
Proverbs 2 urges us to seek out wisdom, understanding, insight. I've done a lot of seeking in the last week or so and, frankly, I'm exhausted. I still have one very expensive item of mine missing and no map by which to begin my hunt--I'm stumpted. So, as I reapproach this passage, my soul almost instinctually feels wearied and quite hesitant to take up the search. What separates the hunt for wisdom from the hunt for my lost sunglasses? Fortunately, wisdom is not lost. It is not hiding in a large black case in a dark crevace, or floating in the abyss lost airline luggage. Rather, "the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Proverbs 2:6). So while I am called to seek understanding as if seeking silver and to search for it as for hidden treasure, this hunt does not depend on my memory or my wit, but on a gracious and unchanging Father who wants to show me compassion and bless me with all good gifts--including understanding.
And so I will search for wisdom as for silver, not silver lost that needs to be reclaimed, but silver that--though totally undeserved--a merciful Father is anxious to bestow on a surrendered child.